I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just gargled with NyQuil
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
