this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
