Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You can't just leave with hair like that
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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