I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
