So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
