sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
