Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
