It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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