I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Houston, we have a blender
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
