We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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