I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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