note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
