last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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