omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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