matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
