I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
