So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
