you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
