As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
