in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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