so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
