That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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