At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
