her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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