i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
