Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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