Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
