nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
