i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
