There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
