Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
