drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
