grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
