I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
