I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
His hands were made for my vagina.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
