I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
