soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
