4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You are the jesus of drinking
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
