I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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