Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
