for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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