I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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