Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
