i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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