i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think my fart just growled at me.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
