Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
