Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
