Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
