trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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