Your dad touched me again.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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